Here are a few of my favorite things: Nintendo, Penny Arcade, The Legend of Zelda, Mario, Pokemon, Harvest Moon, Fallout, Dungeons and Dragons, books, dice, Professor Layton, Shadow of the Colossus, Minecraft, and so much more. I'm going to talk a lot about video games, I sincerely hope you don't mind.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

10 Super-Important Supernatural Things to Discuss With Your Significant Other

Chances are, if you think your significant other (s.o.) is "the one", you've had many, many important discussions about your relationship and future. What will you name your children? Where will you live? What kind of cars will you buy?

It is my opinion that there are some subjects that are overlooked. Financial, moral, etc. But what about the really weird stuff?

Today we will address the ever-mysterious world of the paranormal and the effect it may have on you and your s.o.

1. Will they live out eternity as a blood-sucking vampire with you?

So you’ve decided to let a vampire make you an immortal . Why wouldn’t you? You can live forever, you can read every book, see every movie, travel anywhere you want to, swim with sharks, fight with bears, kill bad guys...the list of awesome shit just goes on and on!

There is a slight issue, though: the love of your life may have something to say about your desire for immortality and how it will affect him or her. Will they allow your immortal kiss to forever bind you to them, or whatever?

Upon discussing this with Zach, I found out that no, he would not become a vampire with me. His opinion is that it would be too hard to live that long and watch everyone you love die. I (sort of?) see his point.

Love this guy.  
Love this guy.

I tried to entice him by suggesting he becomes a Batman vampire, drinking only the blood of evil-doers. Still, he said no. I asked him what would happen if I forced him into vampirism. He said he might hate me for the rest of forever. I’ll take it.

2. Would they lock you up every full moon to keep your werewolf form at bay?

I doubt you did this on purpose. As far as I can tell, from most werewolf lore, those cursed ones are not usually happy about their...well, situation.

So you got bit by this big, nasty, wolf thing. You brush off your shoulders, no biggie, slap a band-aid on there and continue with your night. But a month later, on the next full moon, you sprout hair, claws, fangs, and have a really bad craving for raw bunny meat. What the fuck? Next thing you know you wake up naked in the woods, covered in blood and god knows what else. Uh, if this is going to be a monthly thing, you should probably get it under control, lest you murder a human or something.

Aw, man, those were brand new jeans! 
Aw, man, those were brand new jeans!

So after you come home and explain to your s.o. why you’re naked and covered in blood, and they finish with their hyperventilation fit, the real conversation begins. Will they: A. accept your new, uh, lifestyle; B. help you find a dungeon with chains strong enough to hold back a majestic beast for 12 hours, and; C. bring you down there, tie you up, and ignore your screams of agony as they toss you a rib roast and run the fuck away?

Zach’s response? “Sure.”

3. How will they respond when you tell them about your alien abduction?

The aliens lifted you off your bed, through the ceiling, and into their spaceship in the dead of night. Apparently they’ve done it quietly enough so that your s.o. didn’t hear a damn thing. You were stared at, poked, prodded, and then you woke up to your s.o.’s smiling face next to yours, which quickly turned into a confused frown when he or she saw the pure horror in your eyes.

Can I at least get some laughing gas while you do this? 
Can I at least get some laughing gas while you do this?

First of all, how do you convince him or her that it wasn’t all just a nightmare? Maybe you were lucky enough to have some leftover symmetrical burns around your belly button, or you had a strange sort of silver liquid coming out of your nose. Either way, your s.o. believes you were abducted. So how will he or she respond?

When presented with the scenario, Zach was most concerned about whether or not I felt any different. Then he’d ask me if I wanted to talk to anyone else about it. At this point, I thought, “Well I’m glad he’s concerned for my mental well-being, but maybe we should go to the hospital first and make sure I’m not pregnant with an alien baby.”

4. Would they believe you if you told them you saw Bigfoot?

Approach this scenario with an open mind: you’re camping in the mountains, you gotta pee, you find a good log to mark, and a huge ape man casually stalks past you like you’re not even there. This guy smells like rotten food, ass, and hot garbage. You watch as he marches through the trees, easily eight feet tall, covered in leaves, hair matted, feet bigger than Shaq.
Congratulations, you just saw Sasquatch.

A whole new level of swamp-ass. 
A whole new level of swamp-ass.

You run back to camp and breathlessly explain your brief encounter. Your s.o. listens attentively. But does he or she believe you?

Zach looked at me like I’m the dumbest thing on Earth. “YEAH.” he states emphatically, “I believe in Bigfoot!”

5. Would they perform a seance with you to rid your house of ghosts?

So you just bought this mansion for like, five hundred bucks. What a steal! Hang on, is that blood pouring out of the walls? The realtor didn’t mention anything about 19th century cosplayers running around in here. Oh, wait...

Now, there are two steps to this: 1. get your s.o. to believe there are ghosts (if the blood coming out of the walls and terrifying apparitions didn’t do the trick, this might be a tough one to achieve.); 2. get your s.o. to believe they are in your home, (again, a very difficult endeavor, indeed) and; 3. convince your s.o. to grow big enough balls to perform an actual seance, with candles and a possessed medium and everything.

That's not very hospitable.  
That's not very hospitable.

Zach would immediately move the fuck out. “It’s not ours.” he says. I happen to agree with him. No house is worth going through all that crap. I’m sorry everyone, we just cut the plot to every haunted house movie down to about seven minutes.

6. Would they continue to date you if you were a witch?

You drank too much and bought a membership to The next morning, after some self-deprecation and a battle with buyer’s remorse, you keep the membership and decide to make this your new hobby. Some hefty research reveals that you’re a direct descendent of one of the Salem witches. Your family tree addiction quickly turns into an obsession with the occult. And one day, you light a goddamn candle with your mind.

Pretty soon you’re putting hexes on your worst enemies and bringing luck to those you love. But when your s.o. finds your altar, how will he or she respond? Will he or she believe that it was your sudden burst in confidence and new found love of the outdoors that made your relationship spicier and more romantic? Or was it a love spell that kept him or her glued to you and shopping for engagement rings?

Would I have to travel to Stonehenge every time I wanted to cast a spell? I don't really have time for that.  
Would I have to travel to Stonehenge every time I wanted to cast a spell? I don't really have time for that.

I asked Zach if he'd stay married to me.  "I don't see why not." He said. I asked, "How would you know I wasn't casting spells to my advantage?"

He said, "I trust you. Just don't screw it up." Noted.

7. Would they let you build an extravagant garden in the backyard for the faeries to live in?

Your backyard has sprouted hundreds of mushrooms and colorful flowers out of no where. At night, you see what you think are fireflies hovering in and out of the fungus patches. Upon investigation, you find not fireflies, but about one hundred faeries.

Whether the faeries are real or you've taken too much Ambien, the fact is this: you're the only one that can see them. The Faery Queen has kindly requested that you build them a house, in exchange for an unlimited supply of faery dust, which does god knows what. So, does your s.o. let you take a trip to Home Depot and max out the credit card on supplies for a huge garden/miniature house for your little friends?

This week on MTV Cribs... 
This week on MTV Cribs...

Zach would immediately want some proof. So I said the Queen (who's totally my BFF now) let me borrow some faerie dust, and when I sprinkled it on the dog, his hair turned pink (like I said, I don't know what it does). So now he has his solid evidence.

"Yeah, go for it!" Zach says. "I wouldn't mind a nice garden anyway."

8. Would they commit to bringing you back from the dead after you have to sacrifice yourself to save the world?

Some shit is going down and it turns out you have to stab yourself with a ceremonial sword to save the world. You know, typical Tuesday, whatever. But you're not incredibly fond of staying dead. Your witch friend (every supernatural hero has to have one of those) says there's a loophole, but only your true love can perform the ritual. They'll have to concentrate really hard, do all the parts of the spell perfectly. One screw up and you're dead forever. Can they handle the pressure?

Hopefully there will be no needle-in-the-eye action. 
Hopefully there will be no needle-in-the-eye action.

Zach: "Yeah, I can do that. If you're willing to sacrifice everything to save the planet, then I can focus (on the spell) for a minute."

9. Would they travel in time with you?

Of course you're going to travel in time. Someone, be it The Doctor, Bill and Ted, or whoever, has invited you (plus one) to go to any period of time you want. Of course, there are risks; accidentally changing the future, being hanged for witchcraft because you were listening to your iPod, etc. What does your s.o. think? Will they pack up and prance off to the inauguration of President Lincoln with you?

Hell yes. *Photo courtesy of Miranda Eubanks 
Hell yes. *Photo courtesy of Miranda Eubanks

"Where are we going?" Zach asked.

"Wherever we want."

"Of course. I've got things I wanna see."

10. Would they have you committed for having any of these conversations with them (once they realize you’re completely serious)?

Hey, I don't know what kind of relationship you're in. Obviously Zach is pretty open minded to a lot of things, but that is not the case with everyone. So of course the one you love should listen to your ramblings about these supernatural occurances and how the two of you should proceed from there. But how will they react when they realize you're having a serious, important conversation with them--that you're gauging the development of the relationship based on his or her responses?

I love you, puddin'. 
I love you, puddin'.

"I think they're about as ridiculous as when you ask me if I'd still love you if you were ugly." Zach says.

When the vampires reveal themselves, we shall see, Zach. We shall see.

You guys, this is seriously a fun thing to discuss with your significant other. Please tell me in the comments what his or her best responses were!


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I'm really upset Zach won't let you change him into a vampire. :/

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